Hojo's Beach Vacation
by Enide Dear
Summary: Hojo is overworked and decides he needs a vacation. And what better way to spend it than trying to pick up beach bunnies in Costa del Sol? Yeah, you can see all the way this is going to end bad, right...


Title: Hojo's Beach Vacation  
>Author: Enide Dear<br>Pairing: HojoxOFC (other female characters)  
>Warning: see above<br>Rating: work safe  
>AN: for :iconcrimsonsun: I hope you like it!  
>AN 2: Thank gods for Wikipedia, is all I'm saying ^^;  
>AN 3: anyone even attempting to make a Mary Sue joke about this fic will face a vengeance that is swift, cruel and unusual….

It was ridiculous. Preposterous. Quite unacceptable. Pacing the floor, Hojo rubbed his eyes and spat a few well chosen curses even as he skimmed through the results of last week's data. Not two of the damn numbers added up straight! Furious, he flung the clipboard across the lab, feeling some small matter of satisfaction as beakers crashed to the floor and test animals screamed in fright.

But that satisfaction was short lived indeed. Slumping on a rickety chair, he took of his glasses and leaned a pounding head in his hands. This was the third week in a row his test results came back like this – all messed up and useless. And it wasn't as if he could blame anyone but himself either as he'd given up on assistants a long time ago. Almost 30 years ago. They caused nothing but trouble….Angrily, he pushed the thoughts of Lucretia away. First he went sloppy with his work and now he deteriorate to nostalgia? Obviously, something needed to be done.

He vaguely remembered feeling like this once before. It took him the better part of the morning, but rifling through his neat and precise notes he finally found signs of a similar mode taking him years earlier. A faint flush of red colored his cheeks. Oh yes, he'd been quite burned out mentally then and somehow his overworked brain had figured that mating the Ancient with the last remaining specimen called Red XIII had been a good idea. Well, everyone was allowed to make mistakes, weren't they? It had been quite unnecessary for those damn Turks to make the security tapes of that disastrous event the highlight of the yearly ShinRa Yule Party.

No, he needed to get away before he did something similarly disastrous again. He needed some time off, a change of scene, and quite frankly, some female company. ShinRa might be a male beauty contests dream, but it was sorely lacking in women. And those women that were there….well, ShinRa being a male beauty contests dream place meant that the pickings for its oldest and – and he'd done an objective analysis of this – least physically attractive male, were slim indeed.

But there were always new pastures to roam.

"Here's a list of requirements needed to be done in my lab while I am away." The professor handed over a file at least two inches thick. "Make sure it is all done according to my instructions."

"Of course, professor." Tseng bowed politely as he took the file. "You were going to Costa del Sol, am I correct?"

"Of course you are correct, you stupid Turk! Do you really expect to remain Head of Turks if you would miss something as obvious as that?" Glaring, Hojo clutched his briefcase. "Now, I suppose there is no way of getting around you Turks following me there out of some misguided sense of protection, but if I so much as catch a sniff of one of you, I will reclaim their DNA, clone them, and overrun ShinRa with enough little bald or red head bastards that the alimony alone will ruin the Turks!"

"That would be quite impossible to hold up in court, professor." Tseng skimmed through the file with a small frown on his face. After yesterdays 'accidental explosion' that ruined the coffee machine, he knew just the pair to get the honor of dealing with the horrors below. "Since I had all the Turks sterilized years ago. Otherwise we would already be overrun by, as you put it, little bastards." He looked up and smiled faintly at the miffed look on the professor's face.

"Clever."

"Well, I am the Head of Turks, as you pointed out professor. Have a nice trip."

Costa del Sol was pleasantly hot and sunny, the sea breeze enough to clear the cobwebs of lab studies from his mind. He got a nice little room – ShinRa employees always got the best – and there were no time like the present to go out looking for some of the fairer sex to keep him company. It had been quite some time since he tried to pick up women, but he was confident in his success. He was a certified genius, after all.

This being Costa del Sol, the search didn't take long. Two bikini clad women – the poor cloth straining over their most notable characteristics – were chatting down by the bar. Feeling quite confident, he walked up to them.

"Why, hello there my pretties. Your large mammary glands indicate that you would be a splendid provider of nourishment to future offspring, just as your friend's deliciously curved hips would facilitate any delivery. Both these factors cohere to bring my primal brain into a state of built up rapture."

Two blank stares turned towards him. He leered back.

"Um, are you a doctor?" One of them finally asked, glancing at his labcoat.

"Oh no my dear, nothing as crude as that. I am a professor." He slid up in the chair between them, not noticing the sudden gil-shaped thoughts appearing in both girls' eyes. He winked. "And I assure you, my cerebrum is not my only physical feature that is abnormally oversized."

"Well then," the hippy one purred. "Why don't you buy us a drink, professor?"

"Most certainly. Barkeeper, kindly give us three glasses of hydroxyl molecules mixed with appropriate amounts of carbonate water, sugar, caffeine, and a tasty mixture of lemon oil, coriander oil, cinnamon and vanilla."

"What?"

"Rum and coke, you cretin!"

"Are you going to wear that lab coat all day, professor, or could we talk you into going down to the beach with us?" One of the girls giggled as she touched his coat.

"Well, that depends on if I could talk you into helping me put some titanium dioxide on me. I haven't been out in the sun for some time, you see and the UV light might burn me." He leered once more. "Did I mention how the fine state of your skin and clear eyes indicate that you are indeed a specimen of very fine health?"

An hour or so later he was sitting quite comfortable under a beach umbrella, two women with clear evolutionary perks rubbing sun lotion over him and sipping his drink, watching the ocean roll in and out. Ah, but much as he loved his work, it was wonderful to have a vacation every five years or so! Far away from the science and lab work of his normal day. He turned to the girls.

"So which one of you wants to be the surrogate mother of the world's next First Class Soldier?"


End file.
